Book of Lost Memories
by Thessian Shadow
Summary: Sequel of sorts, and will lead up to where Burned starts. Past Alex/Elle friendship. Full summary inside! Rated T for language, but may change in future chapters.
1. Prologue

**Book of Lost Memories  
**_Chapter 1: Prologue_

**A/N:** This is a sequel of sorts to Burned. Though it starts off as a sequel, it will change. Anyway, this follows the events leading up to where Burned starts off, and some stuff that I threw in, just to make sense of how Alex wound up killing Josh (sort of). Some of this stuff has nothing to do with the game, and it will be pretty obvious what that is. Other things will be linked to the events of the game, which I will get to in later chapters. Enjoy this, and it is not required that you read this to understand Burned. Most of this is pure speculation only. Before and after the main chapters, seperated by a page break, there will be italic writing in some chapters. This is current Alex, reflecting on what happened in that chapter or the one previous. May be a little confusing at first, but hopefully it will get easier.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Konami and Double Helix take all the credit on the characters and storyline of the game. The rest is mine.

* * *

Living with the choices I've made over the past year, I've realized that there is one thing I have overlooked. During my time here, I see that I have always been active, ever since I first thought my brother Joshua was missing. I wasn't active before that, as far as I can remember. Even now, I am actively shaping my life, though sometimes I wonder what it was like to just sit back and let things come. We are in New York now, living lives as different people. I kept my name, but Margaret changed hers. It was for the best though, seeing as she doesn't remember anything of what happened. I keep that buried deep down, and have no intention of revealing the deep dark secret that was her life and mine.

Doing that would be irresponsible. I don't want to cause her pain anymore. She lost everything she had because of me. Had I just swallowed my jealousy, then I would have died, and she would still have Elle. Now I sit here at my desk in the precinct, waiting for the next call. I work sex crimes now, and take each case personally. I know how it feels to be violated, thinking you'll never be whole again. Though it is not in the same sense, it is a violation of the mind, where theirs is one of the body. She works in the DA's office as an executive assistant DA. Working with this unit has fueled her newfound passion, feminism. Thankfully, she hasn't asked me anything. I don't know how I would begin to tell her, even if I decided to tell her the truth.

When I come back to the apartment, I can't stop thinking about everything that happened while we were In Shepherd's Glen. I lost everything I had, even if I didn't want it. Children, family, and friends all lost their lives, and all I can do is sit there and think. The fact is that I am responsible for her happiness. It is a burden that I am more than happy to carry, because she is finally living a good life, not worrying about her husband, not riddled with guilt over her daughters' deaths, and nothing is holding her back. I've never seen her happier.

This is why I hold the truth in, sealing it within the part of my mind that could rot and I wouldn't care. In that particular part is my entire past; my parents, family life, problems, frustrations, and everything to do with Silent Hill. I've decided to write it all down, burying the book somewhere she will never see. Each night, I lie in bed with her in my arms, feeling that each day will allow my plagued mind to be at ease. Though this is partially true, I still feel the stress build, especially when the conversation turns back to that place. We overlooked the age difference a long while ago, realizing that we are all we've got. Nobody else would or could have the slightest clue as to what we've been through, and I want it to stay that way. The only way this past of ours that hangs over me like the mists that still flood those icy streets would be for someone to do some serious digging after we're gone. I will be sure that no man alive finds this record of our lives before the accident that freed her… and saved me.

_I will start this record by saying one thing:_

_They say war is hell, but there are worse things. War changes you, and nobody back home could ever understand. They never understood me. They say you can't go home again… They were wrong. I just don't want to._


	2. Confrontation With Lillian

**Book of Lost Memories**_  
Chapter 2: Confrontation With Lillian_

* * *

"Judge Holloway, Elle..."

The fear was evident in his voice, but it was like the two women couldn't hear him. Alex stood directly in front of them, but it was like he was invisible to them.

"Mom, what happened to Alex? Where is he?"

"I don't know, Elle... It's like all the others here, the children are disappearing..."

Alex stared in shock. How could they not know that he was there? He had spoken to them not two hours ago, granted they were at home, when he had seen them last at Town Hall. The women stood outside, on the porch, and Elle looked out over the yard.

"It's like I'm losing grip on what's going on... First Scarlet, then Joey, Nora, and now Alex... Wait, why are only the founders' children missing?"

"Fate is cruel, Elle..."

Alex woke, drenched in cold sweat, and breathing heavily. Looking around, he saw that he was still on the couch in the den at the end of the hall. The television had gone out again, showing static, and whatever had been on was now just white noise. Looking for the clock, he saw that it was past midnight. Getting up, Alex headed toward his and Josh's room. His younger brother was already asleep, and Alex simply climbed up to his bunk. Lying there, he started to dwell on his dream.

_Why would all the founders' children disappear? What happened for that to have...? I know that there are some things I don't know about the town's history, but..._

Before he could make any sense of it, he was asleep again. The dream didn't come back this time. Instead, there was only blackness. He woke with ease the next morning, when his mother called them both down. Josh took a few minutes to get up, and Alex headed straight downstairs. When Josh finally came into the living room, Adam addressed them both.

"Boys, your mother and I have some business to take care of. You, Alex, will be responsible for your brother for today. Don't get into anything. We'll call when we're on our way back."

"Dad, I was supposed to meet Elle for some research today."

"Well, you've got your brother with you, then." His voice left no room for argument, and Alex inwardly groaned. His parents headed out the door, taking the car.

"Where're they going?"

"I don't know." Alex sounded annoyed, and Josh picked up on that. "Must be somewhere a little far off, if they took the car. They could walk, otherwise." Alex paused, looking around for his jacket that he had vacated sometime earlier in the evening the day before. "Come on, get dressed. I've got to meet Elle." He searched for his jacket, and waited for Josh by the door. Pulling the phone toward him, he dialed Elle's number. "Hey."

"Alex, where are you? We were supposed to meet five minutes ago. What's holding you up?"

"The usual, my brother. Dad dumped him into my lap again this morning. Said something about having business to do."

"That's what my mom said too. Nora's at a friend's, so there's no problem there. I think your dad just does this to annoy you, Alex."

"No kidding, and if he is, it's working. Anyway, Josh is coming. We'll be there soon."

"Ok. See you."

Alex headed down past the Holloways' home, and turned toward the library. Josh was slow to follow, but he was making his way nonetheless. He stopped just short of the library.

"Do I have to go?"

"Yes. If you don't, Dad'll have my ass."

"Not supposed to say that kind of stuff."

"Oh well." Alex made sure Josh went into the library, and told him to find some books on spiders or something while the two teens studied. Josh protested.

"Look, I've got a test that I can't tank, ok? If you cause me to fail, then guess what? It won't be you that gets in trouble for keeping me from studying, it will be me. Dad will say that I should have studied harder. Go find something to read. I won't let you mess this up." Josh stomped off, leaving Alex to get a look from the librarian. He just shrugged it off and found Elle by the window. "Hey."

"Good, you finally got here. Heard what you said to your brother. Nice."

"Yeah well, it's true. Dad won't blame him. He'll blame me, regardless of if it's my fault."

"True... Now, what do you think about this theory?"

They pondered different theories and outlooks on various topics that would be covered under a test they were both taking. Though there were different instructors, the test in nature was similar. Four hours passed without the two really paying attention, and by the time Adam called, letting Alex know that they were headed back into town, he was ready to hit the pillow for a good night's sleep. He and Elle looked for Josh, finding him drawing pictures at a table in the corner. Looking over his shoulder, the two teens shared a look of confusion. The pictures were disturbing. One was of a stick figure struggling in a body of water with nobody around to help. Another was of a bunch of stick body parts surrounded by red, apparently blood. The last one was of an open grave, with no casket. Alex took these thoughts and put them aside.

"Come on, Josh. Dad's on his way."

"I'm busy, go away."

"Damnit, I don't have time to deal with this. You've got to come home, now."

"I guess you're not my friend anymore."

"Guess I'm not. Let's go." Alex left with Elle and Josh in tow. He had had just about enough of Josh for awhile, but knew that there was nothing he could really do about it. The librarian locked the doors behind them as they left, and Elle prepared to part ways with the Shepherd boys.

"Alex, I'll see you tomorrow, then."

"Yeah. Meet me outside Town Hall. Maybe we can cram before."

"Sounds good, night." Elle lightly laughed, before heading down her driveway. Alex noticed that her mother's car was back. He went on further, finally getting home, just in time to see his parents pulling in behind them. Adam got out, opened the door for Lillian, and then unlocked the front door. Walking in, Alex saw him going straight upstairs and to the master bedroom. Josh went up to his room too. When the doors shut, Lillian headed to the kitchen to start dinner. Alex followed.

"Mom, can I talk to you for a minute?"

She really didn't answer; instead she pulled out a pot and started boiling water. Alex took this as a 'yes' and started talking, closing the kitchen door, beforehand.

"I know he's my responsibility, but I am getting sick of Josh. I can't stand that every time he does something, I get blamed for it. Is that fair? He didn't want to come to the library today, but I told him that if he didn't, then I would get in trouble for tanking this mid-term. He just looked at me like it was no big deal… Do you all love him more than me?" This last question had come out without him meaning it to. It had just been something toying with the back of his mind for some time. It stopped Lillian dead in her tracks.

"What did you say?" Her voice was quiet, not angry or cold, but quiet. Alex looked away, trying to will his mouth to not work.

"I'm sorry… I didn't…"

"This has been on your mind for some time, hasn't it?" Again, there was no anger in her words at all, only concern was slowly edging in. Alex slowly looked back at her.

"Yes… I mean, I didn't want it to come out like that… I-"

Lillian crossed the kitchen, putting a hand on his shoulder. She guided him to her sewing room, where they sat down. "I want you to tell me exactly how you're feeling right now."

This had been the most he had said to his mother in awhile. She had always distanced herself from him, but had never been angry or hateful toward him. Alex swallowed hard, preparing himself for what he needed to say. Neither of them noticed Josh come downstairs and into the kitchen. He took a cookie from the jar, and watched the two through the open door.

"I just feel like every time something happens, it's my fault. Every time I want to do something, either Dad finds a reason why it shouldn't happen, or he has to go somewhere, leaving me to watch Josh. I get the kid's not old enough to stay home by himself, but he doesn't need constant supervision. And… there's more to that. It's just been building and building, and I feel like I can't carry the load Dad's placing on my shoulders anymore." The last word hitched in his throat, making his voice crack. He looked away, somewhat embarrassed by his emotions.

"Alex, there's no shame in letting emotion take over. Arguably, that can bring the greatest joys and pains in life." Lillian's arm was around his shoulders now. He tentatively leaned his head against her shoulder, not knowing if she would jerk away. "It's good that this is coming out now, rather than later." They sat in silence for a few minutes, each just taking comfort in the other's company. This had been the most interaction the two had had in what felt like forever. It was different, awkward, but above all, it was needed.

"You never answered my question…" Alex finally sat up, looking directly at his mother. She took both his shaking hands in hers and fixed him with a look that brooked no argument.

"There is no way I could ever do that." Pausing to collect her thoughts, she spoke again. "I will never be able to love him more than I love you. In all honesty, I can't love you two equally. You, Alex, were my first born. I will naturally love you more."

Hearing this was almost like feeling the entire weight lifted. Alex felt the entire jealousy thing lift from him, leaving his load considerably lighter.


	3. Shepherds Cross

**Book of Lost Memories**  
_Chapter 3: Shepherds Cross_

* * *

_There it was, the admission I hat been waiting for. Why hadn't it come sooner? She always did try to be secretive, and now I know why. This was only the beginning..._  


* * *

Later, after dinner, Alex headed up to his and Josh's rom. normally talkative at dinner; Josh had been quiet, looking between Alex and their mother from time to time. Now, Josh had already showered, and was sitting on his bunk. Alex got his stuff and headed for the bathroom. Josh glared at his back, but Alex failed to notice.

While in the shower, Alex felt the hot water beat his back randomly, and thought about what his mother had told him. She had basically said that no matter what, she'd always love Alex more, and that was almost hard to believe, but the way she engaged him in conversation at dinner made the statement set in a little more. He had acted like a part of the family that night, rather than just someone there as a live-in babysitter.

Stepping out of the shower, he let the cool air hit him. It felt great, after a long shower. He wasn't prepared for Josh's assault, when he came out of the bathroom, though. Stepping back into the room, Alex saw that Josh was lying back on his bunk, looking up at the bottom of Alex's. He was making shadow puppets with Alex' flashlight that had been given to him a few months ago.

"What was that about earlier?"

"What?" Alex kept his tee shirt off, climbing back up onto his bunk, to read a book about haunting in Silent Hill.

"That with Mom."

"You were listening." It wasn't a question, but an accusation. Alex knew he needed to watch his tone, because of his father just down the hall, but he failed to do so.

"Yeah. You're jealous, aren't you?"

"What? Jealous of you? No, I'm not. I'm just fed up with Dad practically giving in to whatever you want." Josh laughed at this, causing Alex to narrow his eyes.

"What the hell's so funny?"

"Just that you are jealous. You were treated the exact same way when you were my age."

"Who told you that crap, Dad? I wasn't treated nearly as well as you! I wished I could earn dad's attention just for a few minutes, and all you have to do is walk in the room! He practically fawns all over you."

"Well, maybe it's you who needs to change, not Dad."

"Where the hell do you come up with this! I've done everything Dad asks, and still nothing! He just pushes me aside!"

This thoroughly pissed Alex off. He got up, swinging his legs over the side of the bunk, and slipped down to the floor. Looking angry, he looked for his blanket that had fallen off as he got down. Picking it up, he pulled his pillow down and headed for the door. "You won't know just how good you've got it. Dad does what you want, but doesn't give a rat's ass about me. At least Mom acknowledges I exist and cares."

"Maybe, or maybe she feels sorry for you. You stay gone all the time. What've the Holloways got that we don't?"

"It's not what they've got. Sooner or later you'll realize that." He stepped out into the hallway. "Go to hell for comparing this family to theirs."

When he slammed the door, Alex went directly to the den at the end of the hall. The TV was off, and he closed the door. Throwing his blanket and pillow onto the couch, he fiddled with the power button. Once the television flickered on, he looked for a channel that wasn't static-filled. Finding a movie on, he turned it down, for background noise, and curled up under the blanket. Sleep took him, but only after he begged it to.

_Running away from the graveyard, Alex stumbled on an old root. He fell, scraping his face against the cold hard earth.. He heard someone calling him, like they were standing right next to his head. Looking up, through blurred vision, he saw Nora Holloway. She looked scared, so he slowly sat up, whipping the blood off his forehead._

"_Nora?"_

"_Alex… Mom's in trouble…. Dad came home and got mad."_

"_Where's Elle?"_

"_Stayed home to make sure nothing bad happened…"_

"_Come on, I'll walk you home and see what happened."_

_Alex felt like a magnet was pulling him back through the graveyard, out onto main Street, and on to a side road, leading back to the Holloways'. Once outside the house, they both heard shouting. Alex edged toward the door, hearing the voices coming from upstairs. He entered, seeing Elle at the top of the stairs. She met him half way._

"_It's bad this time… He's drunk, and just showed up screaming…"_

"_What all happened?" As he was saying this, they made it back upstairs, and stood in the doorway of Elle's room._

"_He just got pissed that we didn't want to go with him tonight. The Bartletts were having some dinner, and he wanted to take me and Nora."_

"_Okay…" Alex took a few minutes to calculate what his move would be. It was pointless to call his father. Adam hated the Holloways for some reason. Staying flat against the wall, he looked into the master bedroom. Elle's father was standing with a broken lamp in his hand, apparently having swung and missed, and was preparing to swing again._

"_Oh no you don't." Alex entered, grabbing the wrist of the hand holding the lamp and twisted his arm behind his back, quickly grabbing the other, he did the same, kicking the man in the soft skin behind the knee, forcing him onto the ground. Elle's father struggled, trying to throw Alex off, but Alex had already forced the lamp out of his hand, and pitched it to the side. Unfortunately, he hadn't expected the man to kick backwards, hitting Alex in the abdomen. Letting go of the man's wrists, he fell, and the dream ended._

Aaahhh!"

Alex sat bolt upright. The awkward position of his neck from sleeping on the arm made him immediately grip it. He didn't notice the shadow of Adam looming over him, until his father cleared his throat.

"What did you say to him last night?"

Alex jumped at the anger in his father's tone. He mentally slapped himself, remembering what he had argued with Josh about last night, clearing the dream from his mind. "Huh?"

"Need me to spell it out for you? What did you say to Josh last night!"

"I told him to go to hell," There was no regret, no guilt, no fear. Alex looked his father dead in the eye. "Just like I should be telling you."

"What did you just say to me?"

"You heard, Dad!" Both of their voices had risen to dangerous levels. Adam glared at Alex with a mixture of hatred and anger. Alex glared back with equal intensity. "You heard me loud and clear! It just sucks that you've waited this long to actually listen!"

Alex darted away and stood up, still glaring. Adam continued to match it with fervor. "You are one ungrateful-"

"Don't even go there! For these years, I've done everything! Everything you said, and it still doesn't mean a damned thing to you! You say I have to earn your respect, well guess what, Dad? This isn't the fucking army! This is your family, and I'm your son! As bad as that seems to be, I've continued to just shut up and follow orders, well I'm done!"

He pushed past Adam, leaving the den. Heading down the hall, he entered his bedroom, grabbed a few things, and started to leave. Josh just looked at him. Alex couldn't tell whether it was a 'ha ha' look or a 'man, you're busted' look. He just headed back into the hallway. Adam had followed.

"Don't you turn your back on me, Alex!"

"Or what? Huh? Nothing you do can hurt me any more than you already have! You're a screw-up of a father, and I hope you're happy! I don't care if I NEVER see you again, so just fuck off!"

Moving down the stairs, he didn't see that his father had stopped dead in his pursuit. Alex kept going, looking in the living room and seeing his mother, who looked up sharply at his swift movement.

"Alex? What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry Mom… I'm leaving."

* * *

_And so began the turning point in my life. My father and I drew a line in the sand right then, daring each other to cross it. I had left, but I soon found that it did more harm than good, leaving my family that I hardly wanted to be part of..._


	4. Sickened By Truth

**Book of Lost Memories**  
_Chapter 4: Sickened By Truth_

* * *

He took the longer way, trying to cool off. All he had told his mother was that he was leaving. Thinking back, he should have said more, but didn't want to be held up by his father or Joshua. Main Street was quiet, and he saw Dr. Fitch and Scarlet leaving his office. Alex casually waved, earning himself a happy wave and smile from the girl, and a casual wave in return from her father. Pressing forward, he came to the intersection and turned to the left. Heading on Riverview road, Alex saw Elle sitting out on her porch swing, reading a book. She looked up as he came into view.

"Alex? What in the world are you doing up this early?" She then saw the look on his face, before he had heard her. Quickly, she got up, heading down to meet him. "You and your dad got into it again, didn't you?"

"We didn't just get into it. I think I blew it, Elle… I told him off."

"Oh man… Did he kick you out?" There was concern now. Alex shook his head. "Then what happened?"

"I left." He leaned against the fence that separated her home from the neighbors', and rubbed his aching temples with his thumbs. "I've really screwed up this time."

"How bad?"

"Murder bad..."

"Oh boy…" Elle stood beside him, seeing the miserable look on his face. "Something else?"

"Yeah. Last night, Mom and I talked… We actually talked, and now I've messed it all up. I'll be lucky if she ever wants to see me again."

"What did you two talk about?"

"I told her how I felt like I was drowning in all the stuff that Dad was putting on me. I accidentally asked if she loved Josh more than me."

"You what?"

"Yeah." He paused, looking at the sun as it outlined the trees in gold, coming up. "She said that she would always love me more… because I was her first born. Can you believe that?"

They hadn't noticed Judge Holloway exiting the house to go to work. Her words startled them both. "I think that goes through the minds of all parents. No matter how they try to convince themselves, the mother will generally love the first born more."

The two looked up, Elle giving her mother a surprised look. Margaret laughed it off.

"It's only natural for a woman who has children to view the first born with a little more favoritism." She headed to her car for work, and the two teens waved. Once she had left, Elle looked at Alex.

"I'm surprised she told me that."

"Yeah… It looks like she treats you two evenly. Wish I could say the same."

"Hey, you know that your mom loves you, whether she shows it that well or not. Anyway, your dad can just go."

"Yeah, I told him so. The last thing I said to him was to go fuck off."

"Wow…"

They quietly went into the house, Alex tossing his stuff in the guest bedroom, between Nora's and the master, and they went back downstairs.

"Never mind meeting at Town Hall…" Alex lightly joked. Elle smiled, looking at her notes from the day before. She went through them while Alex went through his. Once done, they headed out to the street and went to the small high school at the far end of Riverview Rd. It was down past the cemetery.

All through the day, the events of the previous weighed on Alex' mind. He remembered feeling warm and carefree for about half an hour, and then it ended with the argument between him and Josh. After the mid-term, Alex quickly left the classroom, feeling rather sick. The room had no air stirring at all, and all he could hear were the words he had said yesterday and this morning. The way he had left his mother was making him feel horrible, and a fear of something bad coming from this was making it worse. He made it to the bathroom, leaning over one of the sinks, he saw his reflection. He was pale, tired, and almost feverish. His hands shook as he brought cold water to his face, and it wasn't helping. The feel of the water made him feel, if at all possible, worse. Dizziness was quick to come, but he closed his eyes, trying to avoid the inevitable. He felt the vomit rise in his throat, but it never came out. Instead, it settled, causing him to feel even more uneasy.

Elle had just finished her mid-term, and was coming out of the classroom, when she heard an instructor calling for help. Moving down the hall quickly, she saw that one of them was leaning over someone. Stepping closer, she saw it was Alex.

"What happened? Sorry, I'm his best friend." Elle got down to look at him. His eyes were shut tight, and his fists were clenched.

"I was just headed to see why it smelled like cigarette smoke in the men's' room, and found him sliding down the wall." The man, who Elle recognized as Literature instructor, said this. He turned to Elle. "Is there anyone we can call? Family?"

"Yes…" Elle took a few minutes to think. She knew that the last person he'd want to see was his father. "His mom and mine. He and his dad don't get along."

"Alright. Go get in touch with them. If you have another class, don't worry about it."

"Okay. Thanks!" She headed to a window where she could get better reception, and dialed Alex' home number. It rang twice, before Lillian answered.

"Lillian Shepherd speaking."

"Ms. Shepherd, Alex just collapsed after his mid-term. I'm here with him now."

"Call your mother. I'll be there in a few minutes. Thank you for letting me know."

"You're welcome." Snapping her phone shut, Elle checked the time and then flipped it back open. She dialed her mother's office phone.

"Good afternoon, Margaret Holloway speaking."

"Mom…. Something happened. Alex collapsed after his mid-term."

"Did you call his mother?"

"Yeah. She's on her way now."

"I'll be there in about five minutes."

"Okay."

She headed back to where Alex was still lying. Some students had gathered, looking down on the scene. A few of them were joking around, saying he got scared by his own reflection. Elle frowned and knelt back down. "They're on their way."

"Good. We'll need to move him-"

"I wouldn't." Another instructor leaned over him. "He looks like he was about to vomit. That wouldn't do well, if it happened while he was being moved."

"Nice catch, Will. We'll just have to wait here. Clear off, all of you!"

The other students scattered, each to their respective classes. Elle stayed there, knowing that the one called Will was her instructor for her next class. He adjusted Alex' head, so that he wasn't lying flat. Sitting him up, didn't do much, but it would stop him from aspirating on his vomit.

When Lillian entered the building, Elle spotted her and lead her to where Alex was. He still hadn't moved or done anything, but the school's nurse was on her way.

"What happened?"

"Really, we don't know. I found him sliding down the wall over there in the men's' room when I went to see who was smoking. He hasn't said anything or woken up. Has he been under any stress?"

Elle nearly laughed. Stress wasn't the word to describe what had been going on with him. Lillian explained that they had been going through family issues the past few days, and that it had hit its peak last night and this morning. They all looked up, seeing Judge Holloway and the nurse coming down the corridor. The crowd moved back, letting the nurse examine him. The Holloways and Lillian stood, all watching with bated breath, and released a collective breath when the nurse backed off. Alex had started coughing.

"Anybody got a bucket? This kid's going to vomit."

Elle's instructor darted into the restroom and came out in time to have Alex grip the trash bin. He vomited a few times, shaking afterwards. As he fell back to the floor he saw just who all were crowded around him. Not daring to speak for fear of being sick again, he simply blinked, letting them know that he was awake and alert. Lillian was the first to get to him, slowly getting him to sit up. His look clearly said: 'I can't live like this…' She and Margaret got him to his feet.

"We'll get him home."

"Mom, I'll see you later, then."

"Alright. Don't worry about him."

"Try my best." She said this with a little sarcasm. Something told Elle that this was not the first of these attacks, and it wouldn't be the last.


	5. The Fear of Being Alone

**Book of Lost Memories**  
_Chapter 5: The Fear of Being Alone_

* * *

Cold hands felt like they were wrapped around his chest. Alex looked up, seeing the inside of Margaret's car, and slowly leaned his head back again. His chest felt like it was being tied into a knot, making it hard for him to breathe, but the feeling came and went, causing temporary discomfort. The scenery through the window was blurred and upside down, from where he was lying on his back. He heard voices from the front of the car. Careful not to make a sound, he listened.

"What now? I knew it would come to this... This amount of stress isn't good at all for him."

"I know..." _Mom? _"Something has to give, and I seriously hope that Adam sees this now."

"I never understood why he does this, treating him like a stranger, and in the same breath, calling him 'son'."

"It's Adam's way of dealing with what will have to happen... I'm not completely innocent, either."

"I know... At least you realized."

"I didn't know how hard this was on him. Had he not started talking, I wouldn't have."

"I've seen stress build and then blow off again. It comes in a cycle, with him. It seems like it was just too much this time."

"It didn't help that Joshua overheard the entire conversation, and accused Alex of being jealous..." Lillian said this with contempt.

"How'd you find that out?"

"I saw him talking to Joey Bartlett about it. He was pretty angry about Alex finally just letting it all out. He hated that Alex detested him."

"Hey, that's not uncommon. I understand Alex' position. He's tired of being a babysitter. Elle's voiced that before."

"Elle seems like she handles it well."

"For the most part. There are some stressful moments. She talks about it, though. That's not all that caused her stress. My damned husband."

"Ah yes... What ever happened to him?"

At this point, Alex let his attentions wander for a few minutes. He didn't half hear all that they were saying. The sounds went in and out. The ride was short after that, though. He saw trees and then walls, presumably the cemetery. Finally, the car stopped. The two adults got out, and he slowly started to sit up. Lillian opened the rear passenger door, seeing him pulling himself up.

"You're awake?"

"Y-yeah..." His voice was very quiet, but it was audible. He pulled himself out and into an upright position. Dizziness came back, but he leaned against the car for support. This didn't go unnoticed.

"You alright to walk?" Lillian put a hand on his shoulder, and he gave this some thought. Finally shaking his head in the negative, he was escorted by the two women into the house and up to the guest room. Seeing his forgotten clothes and book from the morning, Alex ignored them, sinking onto the vacant bed beside them. Lillian headed out to attempt to get in touch with Adam.

"What happened?" Alex looked up into Margaret's eyes. "Last thing I remember is being at school and feeling like crap."

"Apparently, the events of the other day got to you. According to the instructor, you were sliding down the wall, out cold."

"Last thing I thought about was Dad and Josh…." Alex looked down at his pale hands, seeing the lack of color. This didn't seem to surprise him. "I hate what I said…"

"Do you?" She sat down beside him, looking at him fully. He didn't say anything, but his face said it all. "Or do you hate the effect it had?"

Looking up again, he realized that that was plausible. The fact that he had said them didn't really tear him up, but the thought that his mother was caught in this position between him and Adam was what killed. "I think you're right… I try to voice my side, and all it does is hurt others… What's the point?"

"The point is that you are getting your voice heard now. Your mother has stepped away from Adam, admitting things she swore she'd take to her grave. You are finally bridging the gap between yourself and them." Her hand rested on his shoulder, and Alex leaned into that contact. He looked at her, seeing nothing but sincerity. Both of them were quiet for awhile, until they heard a commotion downstairs. Margaret got up, looking over the balcony, seeing her husband in the entryway. "Damn him…"

"What is it? Is it Dad?"

"No, worse." As she left, Lillian re-entered the room. She turned her phone off. Alex gave her a look.

"Your father is being particularly stubborn. He'll come around."

"Typical Dad." Alex said this with an air of exhaustion. He listened to the quick but crude conversation downstairs, and had to wonder what Elle's mother had seen in her husband to marry the man. This must have registered on his face, because Lillian laughed lightly.

"I've been asking that myself for a few years now. Your father wasn't always like this, Alex. He wanted a son to spend time with and care for."

"Looks like he found one, and unfortunately, it isn't me." This was said with a thin layer of bitterness, which Alex didn't mean to add. He knew this to be true and had accepted it, but there was still some level of resentment. "I'm sorry…"

"It's fine."

Feeling tired, Alex fell back against the pillows. His eyes stayed open for awhile, as the argument downstairs was just about over. There had been glass breaking, and Lillian ducked out the door to see what was going on. Apparently it wasn't much of anything, because the door slammed, and then after a quick word in the hallway outside, both women came back in.

"Get some rest, Alex. You look like you need it." Lillian said this, and they both exited, closing the door. He slowly turned onto his side for a while. His head ached, but it started to dull down. His eyelids started getting heavy, and they finally slipped closed.

_Head spinning, Alex faced the corner of the room. A large, brutish man with a pyramid helmet came staggering forward. Alex grimaced, knowing just what that thing was. It was the one who would punish children and adults for all bad deeds. His father had told him the stories of this man. The thing, lugging a large knife behind him, came up to where Alex was restrained, dragged the knife so that it was in front of him, and just stared at him. Suddenly, he heard Adam's voice._

"_He has been irresponsible. Joshua has been betrayed by his only brother and now Alex must suffer for turning his back on his family."_

_The thing ran the knife through him, causing Alex to jerk awake._

"NO!"

He sat up, feeling the cool air against him. The room finally solidified, and he got up, stumbling to the adjoining bathroom. Hearing something beyond the other door leading to Elle's room, Alex simply turned the tap on the sink, threw some water on his face, and then turned it off. He looked at himself in the mirror. His skin was slightly pale, hair was a mess, and his eyes had a wild look to them.

"Alex?"

Elle had come from her room, hearing him up. She looked him over carefully, before speaking again. "Bad dream?"

"You could say that." He dried his face, and then looked back at her. "What are you doing up?"

"It's only about six. You've been sleeping for a few hours."

"Oh…." He looked at the clock, seeing that it was only 5:45. Looking down at himself, he saw that his clothes were a wrinkled mess. "Looks like I'll need to actually get home and get better clothes. These look like I slept in 'em."

Elle laughed at his light joke. She saw how much stronger he looked, compared to earlier. "What was your dream about?"

"It was weird… You know that stupid story about the executioner, the one that punishes people for their bad deeds?"

"Yeah. I remember those stories. Nora was scared for a while. Why?"

"It had to do with him. I was sitting in a chair, and he came up with that big ass knife he is supposed to carry. I hear my dad's voice, saying that I was abandoning my brother and I have shamed my family... Next thing I know, I'm being skewered by the knife…"

"Whoa. Ok, you've got to lay off the guilt."

"Guilt?"

"Yeah. Since the argument and crap with your dad and brother, you've been weighed down with guilt. You have nothing to be guilty of."

"I guess I don't… I mean, it's dad's fault, and Josh's. They go off and practically provoke me."

"Yeah. They really do. Your dad is always on you about something, and Josh just loves to rub it in that he is your dad's favorite."

"Thanks…"

"For what?"

"Putting some sense into my head. You are always the sensible one."

And you're the stubborn and impulsive one."

"Great. Now that we've established our differences, I'm starving."

"Typical. Just kidding. Me too. Want to go out or what?"

"You pick."

While they discussed dinner plans, Lillian was having a rather harsh discussion with Adam at home. She had cornered him, and was now giving him a well-deserved lecture.

"You have the balls to call yourself a father?"

"I am a father! I have done right by Joshua."

"What about your other son? What have you done right with him?"

"You know what I've done, and until you went all soft, you agreed that it was best for the family!"

"Family…." Lillian looked at him with nothing less than fury. "You talk about family, but you practically disown one of your sons!"

"Oh get off it! You thought I was doing the right thing, until what? What the hell did Margaret say?"

"She has nothing to do with this! Alex came to me and asked me if I loved him at all! What am I supposed to say, Adam? I love him, and I am now convinced that I love him more than Joshua right now. Alex is suffering because of what we've done! He became physically sick today, because of what happened here the other night!"

"He should. It was his god-damned fault anyway." Adam crossed the room, shutting the door leading out into the hallway. "He had no reason to say any of the shit he did!"

"He had every reason!"

"You act like you're the only one who cares about him. You act like you're the only parent!"

Lillian brought her hand up, slapping him across the face. She swiftly turned on her heel, leaving the room. Adam just stood there, looking after where she had just been, with his hand pressed to the place where hers had collided with his face.

Across the hall, Josh had heard some of the quarrel, and came into the room. He saw his father just standing there, and he spoke to clear the silence. "Dad, where's Mom and Alex?"

"Huh?" Adam looked down, seeing Josh standing there, looking a little confused. He quickly sat down, so he could be at eye level with his son. "Alex is gone. He's staying with friends. As for your mother, I don't know what has gotten into her. What are you doing up?"

"Wasn't tired."

"Well, you should head off to bed. It's getting late."

"Ok." He dragged his feet all the way back across the hall and into his bedroom. Shutting the door, he heard Adam calling his mother.

"Lillian, wait."

"No, Adam. I'm done waiting on you. I've waited for a long time just to see if you would come around. You haven't." She left the room, walking into her sewing room. Slamming the door, Adam shrugged.

"Damnit, Lillian…"

"So, Andy's it is."

"Sounds good. Haven't had their burgers in forever."

"Me either." Elle went downstairs with Alex in tow. They saw her mother watching the news. "Hey, we're going out. Be back in a little bit."

"Alex, you feeling up to this?"

"Yeah. I think I need to get out for a while. I'll be fine."

"Alright. You two be careful." She thought for a second. "Alex, if you see your father, avoid him."

"Will do. I've got to get some of my clothes. I'll ignore him if I see him."

They left the house, heading down Main Street. Deciding not to go to the Shepherds' until afterwards, they stopped a little above Doc Fitch's office. Andy's was a pretty good burger joint that sold hot dogs, onion rings, and other bad but good food. It was also known as a sports bar. People would come in, get wasted, and watch a ballgame, even if they had no clue as to who was playing.

"Oh man… Yankees." Elle went back to a corner table, away from the TVs and the bar. Alex was thankful for this, because not two minutes later, his father walked in.

"Oh man…"

"He's headed out to the other side. Maybe he won't see us." Elle said this hopefully, and they saw a waiter.

"Yeah, what can I get for you?"

While Alex looked over the small menu, Elle went ahead. "I'll have a chili dog, no onions, add relish, and tea."

"And you?"

"I'll have the same thing. Make it two. Oh, and don't tell my father we're here."

"No problem. Didn't know your old man picked his smoking habit back up." The waiter walked off, and Alex looked over to the bar. Sure enough, Adam was sitting there with a cigarette in his mouth. Frowning, he turned back around.

"Man… I hated it when Dad smoked. It made him more grouchy. Wonder what brought this on."

"Probably work and everything else." Elle looked over his head at Adam. He was smoking and watching the ballgame on another TV. She jerked her head down, when Curtis Ackers came in, looking around. "Crap. Don't look now. Mr. Fix-it just walked in."

"More like junk man." Alex said this, when the waiter came back with their drinks. Once he had left, Elle sniggered. "What?"

"I think he thought you were talking about him."

"Oh well. No, he just saw Curtis."

"Good."

They sat silently, sipping on their drinks, and it was just like nothing had happened the last few days. When their food came, both started eating.

"Jeez. You act like you haven't eaten in a month." Elle laughed, as chili went up Alex' nose. "That's why you should slow down."

"Hey, I haven't eaten since… well, I guess since I left home. Haven't thought about eating all that much."

"Well you should. You're paper thin anyway."

"That's what Mom said one night. I'm surprised she spoke to me at all."

"Hey, she's talkin' now, and apparently your dad doesn't like what she has to say."

"True."

Curtis had gone and started talking to Adam, and they were both cursing by the time Alex and Elle started to leave. Angrier than before, Adam didn't even notice them as they slipped past the bar. Alex was thankful for this. He voiced it when they got down the street a little piece.

"Man… I can't go anywhere, and get away from him. He's everywhere in this town. At least he's not home right now."

"Yeah, well this town isn't exactly big, so you'll see him more often than not. And watch out for your snitch brother too."

"Yeah." They turned onto Craven, and Alex saw that the porch light was on. Looking further down the road, he saw Josh running outside, looking for something. He found it, and went back into the house, forgetting to turn the light off. "Typical. Leave it for me or Mom to turn off." Going up to the door, he knocked, having heard Josh run back upstairs. Lillian answered after a minute.

"Alex…" She stepped back, allowing them both inside immediately. "Your father's out."

"I know. That's why I went ahead and came."

Giving the two a minute alone, Elle waited downstairs, while Lillian followed Alex up.

"Mom, I'm sorry for all this."

"Nothing to apologize for, Alex. It's been a long time coming. How are you feeling?"

"I'm ok now. I just got overwhelmed, I guess. Anyway, I just came by to get some clothes. Oh, and look out. Dad started smoking again."

"I know… I smelled it on his clothes last night." They started into the boys' bedroom, and Alex saw the almost hateful look Josh shot him. Ignoring it, he headed to the closet.

"Yeah. I saw him at Andy's. He and Curtis were sitting at the bar. That's when we saw him smoking again." He found a few pairs of jeans and pulled down a few T shirts. Seeing Josh glaring at him from the mirror, he turned around. "What?"

"You and Dad got into it."

"Yeah. So?"

"So now he's not the same."

"Josh." Their mother said this with warning in her voice. Alex raised his hand.

"It's ok, Mom. No, he's exactly the same. He treats you like a prince and now he doesn't have to worry about me anymore. Not like that makes a difference." Alex closed the closet door, glaring down at his brother now. "He gave you everything, spoiled you, and treated me like dirt. He treats the dog better than he does me!"

"That's because I'm better than you."

"At what! Being a spoiled brat? Congratulations!"

"No! I'm better at being a son Dad WANTS!"

"Joshua." Lillian's voice was hard and cold, almost like it had been with Alex. The latter smiled to himself as he exited the room.

"The only thing you're good at is being a suck-up." He headed downstairs, hearing his mother come after him.

"Alex, I-"

"No, it's not your fault. None of this is your fault. Don't blame yourself." He wrapped his arms around her, in attempts to reassure her. "This is just Josh trying to score points. He has lived as a prince, and now that you are shifting your attentions to both of us, instead of just him, he can't stand it." Stepping away, he noticed Elle waiting on him. "I'll see you later, Mom. Good night."

"You too. Don't think on your father too much."

"I won't."

They headed back down the path, and out onto the street. Seeing the street lights coming on, they realized just how late it was. Heading back, Elle looked at Alex.

"Why do you think your dad is acting like this? I mean, he's smoking, at the bar more often than not, and he's even shutting out your mom."

"Just the fear of being alone, I guess."

* * *

_I thought I had understood him that night. I really understimated what my actions would do. I thought he was just being stubborn and bitching because I had someone in my corner. In reality, it was much worse. He was calculating his next strike, but I didn't figure that out until I almost fell in his trap._


	6. Starting A War

**Book of Lost Memories  
**_Chapter 6: Starting a War

* * *

_

Getting home, Elle headed upstairs, and Alex followed. They both checked in with her mother, before heading up. When they made it to the landing, Elle heard Nora calling her. She went straight to her room, while Alex headed to the guestroom. He dropped his clothes into a spare drawer in the chest, and sat on the bed. Elle had mentioned that he would be able to make up his midterm the next day. He looked at his hands, thinking about the small conversation he had with Josh.

_He's showing more and more that he's a brat. Damn… How can I do this? How can I drive a wedge between Mom and Dad? They've been together, and now I'm basically making them choose sides… I just want him to see how Josh isn't the ideal son. He has to see that... _

Alex sat there, just staring into space, and he didn't hear either Elle or her mother calling him. They had to shake him, so that he would snap out of it.

"Huh?"

"What in the world were you thinking about?" Elle looked at him with nothing short of concern. "You were just staring into space."

"Sorry…. Josh."

"Oh. Yeah, wasn't about to talk about that." Elle heard her phone going off in the other room. "Hang on." When she left, Alex noticed that he relaxed a bit. That puzzled him.

"I think something happened tonight when you went home." The statement was blunt, but Alex had learned to expect nothing less from the judge. She was a stickler for the truth. He turned to face her, and wasn't surprised to see an eyebrow raised.

"Yeah, it did. How'd you know?"

"It's written all over your face."

"Oh." He thought about what had gone on at home. Josh had said all that needed to be said. "Yeah. Josh ran his mouth. It was expected."

"And he said…"

"Exactly what he needed to. He said that he was better at being the son Dad wants. He said I was nothing, basically."

"How do you feel about that?"

"Nothing I haven't either already heard or thought. I don't know… Maybe I was expecting it from Dad and not Josh."

"You expected it from the man who shows it but doesn't say it? Joshua is interpreting your father's actions. I'm not siding with Adam, but perhaps there is more to it."

"Maybe, but if there is, he's got a stupid way of showing it..." Alex shifted, leaning against the bed post. "You knew him before we were born. How was he? Is he different now than he was then?"

"Definitely. When Adam and Lillian married, they were both happy. He was ready for a life with her, and he wanted at least one child." She paused, trying to word things the right way, without overdoing it. "He wanted a son to do all the things a father would; play ball, build a fort, train to be a soldier, and so on."

"Then what happened? He's like that with Josh, but he never did that stuff with me."

"I'm not too sure. When you were born, he seemed happy. As you started to grow up though, he started treating his role as a father like a daily chore."

"Yeah, I got that vibe from him. All he did was what he had to, and then he would bail, going to work or just shutting himself in the hunting room or his bedroom. Was it something I did when I was little?"

"No. Nothing you did effected how your father turned out. He simply changed his tune."

"He preaches about responsibility, and look what he does. He had a responsibility to treat me like I was part of his family. I am his son, and I honestly never felt like I belonged there."

At this point, Elle came back, turning her phone off. She looked from her mother to Alex. "Mom, Nora's calling you. Something about homework."

"Right. Alex, don't think on it. Your father and brother are two of a kind. It's all about them."

"I'm starting to see that now. Don't worry; I'll leave him where he should be, at the bar with Curtis."

"Good." She left, heading down the hall to Nora's room. Elle looked at him with a mixed look.

"You don't think you belong at home, huh?"

"Nope. The only person who would give a damn, is my mother. I don't care about my father anymore. Why?"

"Well, you belong here." Her words hung in the air between them. He could feel the sincerity in them, as well as a solid friendship.

"Thanks, Elle. You really do know how to make me ignore whatever family issues I have going on. How do you do that?"

"Comes with the territory." Alex laughed at this. Thinking for a second, he realized it was true. Elle had always been the sensible and understanding one, as was her mother. They would listen to whatever stupid shit Adam or Joshua did, and they would always have the right thing in mind, when giving him advice.

"Well, I'm thankful for that."

* * *

"Lillian?"

"Yes, Adam." The door was still closed to her sewing room, and Adam was standing outside it. "What do you want?"

"You know why I'm doing this."

"No Adam, I know the excuse you tried to sell me and everybody else. That is that you're doing it to shield him and yourself. The truth is, you're doing it solely for yourself."

"I am doing this to spare him!"

"No, you made up that excuse to cover up the cold, heartless and bitter man that the war turned you into. You are a changed man, Adam Shepherd. I won't let your change effect my son."

"Oh, so he's just your son now?"

"You treat him like a stranger. You love the damned dog more than him! You nave no claim to him!"

"I am his father!"

"You, Adam have no right to him. That is my final word. He is not your responsibility anymore."

"My responsibility…"

"Right. He is no longer your problem."

"You know I have already entered into the contract! What the hell else can I do?"

"You put yourself in this position by volunteering Alex as the child to be sacrificed! You think that it is all about YOU, Adam! This concerned both of us. Not JUST you!"

"Not just me? This is about OUR family! I am doing what I have to do so that Joshua can go on!"

"Right. There is the problem, Adam. Joshua."

"He is the problem? Are you insane!" Adam's voice had dropped to a low whisper. It was still harsh, but his voice had decreased to a whisper so that Joshua would not hear them. "He is not the problem! He is the one that-"

"You hand-picked him, Adam! You said Joshua will survive without even thinking. I should have protested, rather than going ahead with it, but I didn't. Now I am paying for it. I am in the position of having to practically choose between my children. You already made your choice! You did from the beginning!"

"I made the decision that would save our family!"

"Never mind the fact that Alex is a living, breathing, and sensible human being!"

"The child has no say on whether they are-"

"Skip the lecture on your family's customs! I know that it is not wise to tell a kid they are going to drown to save their sibling! My position will not change. I am opposed to the sacrifice."

"How can you say that?" Adam was almost dumbstruck. "Our family depends on it!"

"Maybe it does, but what happens when one of the founding families run out of children? What then?"

"That hasn't happened."

"It doesn't matter. It will, and when it does, what then?" Lillian had finally opened the door, looking at him with a murderous look on her face. "Anyway Adam, I am finished with this conversation. Good night." She left the room, going upstairs and retrieving nightclothes. Going into the den at the end of the hall, she shut the door. Adam had followed her upstairs, and was almost saddened to see her leave the bedroom.

"What have I done…?"

* * *

Alex sat on the bed, contemplating his next move. Going home was not an option unless he needed clothes. Now, all he had was to worry about school the next day. The midterm he had missed would be waiting for him first thing in the morning, as would several questioning people. He settled for hitting the pillow early. His actions were cut short, though as his phone rang. Lillian had gotten him a phone when he had gone on a trip out of town for school two years ago, and it was lucky that he had it charged up. Looking at the display, he relaxed.

"Hello Mom."

"Alex, I just want you to know that nothing that is done is your fault. You understand this, right?"

"Yeah. I've talked it over. I'm okay with it now. Are you alright? You sound shaken up."

"I'm fine. Your father simply did what he always does, blows up without due cause."

"You sure? Did he hit you?" Asking this nearly shocked him. Alex had seen his father get angry. He had seen him tighten his fist and crack his knuckles. What he had never seen was Adam hitting anyone that didn't deserve it.

"No. You think he would?"

"I wouldn't put it past him, Mom."

"Well, he didn't. Don't worry. Anyway, I was just going to call and tell you good luck on your midterm. Get some sleep."

"I will. Take care, Mom."

"I will. I love you, Alex."

He was almost speechless, hearing this from his mother, but he pulled himself back together, recovering quickly. "I love you too, Mom." Seeing the screen change as the connection was broken, Alex dropped the phone, looking stunned. The knock at the door startled him. "Come in."

"Just wanted to say goodnight. Wow, what happened? Did your father apologize or something?"

Not being able to suppress a small smile, Alex slightly shook his head. "No… Mom said she loved me." Alex distinctly heard the sink's tap being turned off in the bathroom next door. Elle emerged a second later.

"What now?"

"My mother actually said she loved me. I haven't heard that in a long time… I don't even remember hearing her say it." He watched the looks on both the women's faces. Though I am thankful to hear it, I know that her deviation will start a war.


	7. A Meeting With Adam

**Book of Lost Memories  
**_Chapter 7: A Meeting with Adam

* * *

_

Both women looked at him, the elder understanding just what he meant. Adam and Lillian were on two completely different sides right now, and due to this, Adam was sure to think that the ritual might not be completed. _If Lillian interferes, then what will he do?_ This thought went through her head for a second, but was forced out by Alex' next words.

"I just can't believe she finally said it…"

"You mean to say you've never heard her say 'I love you' before?" Elle was rather confused. She knew that Adam and Lillian were distant, but the thought of shutting him out completely hadn't crossed her mind. "Wow…"

"Yeah, well I've gotten used to it." He leaned forward slightly, placing his elbows on his knees, resting his head against his palm. "I just sort of ignored the fact that they said it to Josh. He would take it like praise, bur for some reason, I just shut it out."

"How do you block something like that out?" Elle was getting slightly angry. Her voice was not elevating, but the look in her eyes was murderous. "Honestly, didn't you feel like it was wrong?"

"I knew it was wrong. I knew it was, Elle, but there was nothing to do for it. Dad won't change. Mom has, but that is after I confronted her with how I felt. Before that, she was just about as cold as he was. I just accepted the fact that Josh was the golden boy, and that I was only some kid that happened to be the black sheep in the family."

"No point in bringing this up now. Alex, you've got that midterm to take tomorrow. Elle, you've got your trig midterm as well. Get some rest, both of you. Good night."

As the elder Holloway left, Elle looked at Alex. "You let your parents run over you like that?"

"Didn't have a choice. It was either be rejected, or start a war between my parents. I was doing the better option until a day or so ago." He fell back, grabbing a book by his bed. "I've got this crap to look over. Good luck on yours tomorrow."

"Oh yeah. I've got to study too. Great time to o it, since it's about time to hit the sack, right?" She headed through the adjoining bathroom and dimmed the light in her room, grabbing a heavy trigonometry book as she fell back onto her bed. "Night."

"Ditto."

The night was spent studying for Alex. He was looking over different literary works, finally getting things straight. He remembered turning a page, then there was nothing. For once, there were no dreams, no twisted delusions, and no voices. Alex had a night of peaceful sleep. He awoke quickly, hearing his alarm going off. Hearing another going off next door, he saw Elle sit up, a book falling off her as she did. She hadn't changed out of her clothes from the previous day. Alex stood, stretching, and prepared to change clothes. His shirt clung to him, not wanting to come off, and Alex tugged it over his head. Wincing slightly, he looked down. Apparently the way he had slept that night had pulled a muscle. Removing his old jeans, he threw some more on, while picking up a charcoal colored tee shirt. Darting into the bathroom and getting his deodorant that he had stashed in the cabinet, Alex waved to Elle, who was brushing out her hair.

"Morning."

"Good morning. You look like you fell asleep studying. Don't feel bad though, I did too."

"Yeah, I noticed. You ready for this midterm? How can you take something like trig?"

"I don't like it, by all means, but honors classes look great on college applications."

"Better you're in that class, than me." He replaced his deodorant, throwing his tee shirt on. Running a comb through his hair, Alex caught his reflection. "Man… I look like shit."

"Couldn't have said it better." Elle came up behind him, placing her hairbrush back onto the counter. "Hey, you sure you're feeling alright?"

"Yeah. Lot better than yesterday." He shook his head, allowing his hair to loosen back up after he wet it down. "Ready?"

"Yeah. We'd better get going. Don't want to be late. Kendall will probably fail me if I'm a second late."

"Don't want that."

They both headed downstairs, waving to Nora and her mother, who were preparing to leave as well. "Have a good day, Nora. Bye Mom."

"Yeah, later."

"Be careful, you two." They left as Margaret said this. Alex pulled his phone out. Seeing he had missed a call, he checked the incoming numbers.

"Mom."

"What's up?"

"Mom called me this morning. I guess it was when I was either sleeping or getting ready. Wonder what she needed."

"Don't know. Leave you a voicemail?"

"Let me check." Looking through messages, he nodded. "Yeah." Pressing the phone to his ear, Alex listened.

"We need to talk. Meet me at the station straight after school. Don't think about skipping out."

Alex groaned, putting the phone back into his pocket. Elle looked at him. "What? Who was it?"

"It was my dad. He wants me to meet him at the station right after school. Man, why would he have anything to do with me now?"

"He's probably just trying to mess with you. What are you going to do?"

"He said not to skip out. I guess I'll have to go."

"Hey, don't think about that, though. Concentrate on your midterm."

"Yeah."

They turned the corner, heading into the school building. Elle went toward the math department, and Alex headed the opposite way. Getting to the classroom, he knocked on the door.

"Yes."

"Did you want me to take the make up test today, sir?"

"Yes. Come in. Sorry to hear about the other day. Must have been a real meltdown."

"Sort of." He sat down, preparing to take the literature midterm. Most of it was stuff he had read over the night before. A major part of it was to compare variations in Arthurian literature, which he had been reading over when he fell asleep the night before. He started on the essay first, hoping to get it over with first. Then, after he was satisfied, Alex moved to the vocabulary and quiz questions. Finally finishing about an hour after he arrived, Alex handed his essay and test in. Knowing that it would take awhile for the instructor to grade it, he decided to wait for Elle outside the Trig classroom. Getting there, he saw her coming out, dropping an empty water bottle into the trash bin.

"How'd it go?"

"Man, that test was torture! I haven't had such a headache since I first started this stupid course. How'd yours go?"

"Good. I slaved over that stupid essay. I think I got most controversial variations down."

"Like where an author made it look like Lancelot just had an affair, so that he could get closer to Arthur?"

"Yeah. I was sure to mention that one. Hope he grades fast. I know how he was when I had that test a few weeks ago."

"Yeah, slower than-" She stopped, hearing his phone go off. Alex dug for it, seeing the number for the police station.

"Man…" He answered the phone, preparing to hear Adam yelling. "Hello."

"Are you finished with your midterm?" The tone was flat, as though he didn't really care. Alex was used to this. "I need to speak with you."

"Yeah, I got your message. I'm done, and will be on my way in a few minutes."

"Fine. I'll see you then."

"Fine." Alex dropped the phone back into his pocket, and headed for the door. "Well, here goes nothing."

"Yeah. I'll see you at home, alright?"

"Yeah. Fill you in later."

"Kay." She left, heading back home, while Alex went for Main Street. Upon getting to the station, Alex saw Wheeler and Adam standing outside, Wheeler getting car keys out of his pocket. He saw Alex and waved.

"Hey, Alex. Adam, I'm headed out to get those files. We'll need them to crack this." He got into a squad car, and headed out through the back parking lot. Adam waited at the main doors. Slowly approaching his father, Alex had to wonder what this meeting was about. Adam didn't seem angry when talking to him earlier, but that didn't mean he was in a chipper mood, either.

"Alex."

"Dad." Alex met him at the door, and Adam motioned for him to follow. They went inside, going past the lobby, and back into the actual station. Entering the office area, Adam opened his office door, motioning for Alex to enter. He did, and Adam followed, shutting the door behind him.

"What's this about, Dad?" Alex watched Adam sit down behind the desk, then sat up a little straighter. He gave his father a look.

"This is about your brother."

"What about him?"

"He was beaten up on his way home from school. Know anything about that?" Adam crossed his arms, pinning Alex with an accusing stare.

"No. Do you actually think that I would have something to do with him being attacked? I may not like the kid, but he is still my brother. I won't just have people come and beat him down."

"Really, because he said they were 'friends' of yours."

"This shows that you really don't know anything about me. The only friends I have are the Holloways. That's it! I don't have any other friends."

"And you're sure about that?"

"Yeah. I don't associate with anyone else I wouldn't ask anyone to just all out attack Joshua."

"Then I have to ask you to go with your brother to school and back. Will you do that?"

"Why are you even asking? I know that if I say no, then you'll say that I have to, that it is my responsibility."

"Absolutely right. He is your responsibility when we cannot be with him. Your mother and I have lives too, Alex."

"I get that. Fine, I'll go with him to school and back. Are we done?"

"For now."

* * *

_I knew then that this was odd. Adam Shepherd didn't ask for anything. He treated his family like a platoon. If anything, he ordered us around, my mother and I especially. I caved, knowing that I had to protect Joshua when my mother and father couldn't. Being a police chief, my father chose to either work late, or just stay away from home. Now Josh is my responsibility when my parents couldn't be with him. Being the one that caved in to his 'request', I am my father's enabler._


	8. Repercussions

**Book Of Lost Memories  
**_Chapter 8: Repercussions_

**A/N:** Sorry I took so long on this chapter. I've had a math class to deal with and me and Algebra don't particularly care for each other. Anyway, here is chapter eight. Hope you all like this so far. Let me know if you have any suggestions, seeing as I'm pretty sure I'll hit a roadblock pretty soon.

* * *

_I set in motion the events that would lead to Josh's demise at that moment. When I let my father back in, agreeing to walk Joshua to and from school, I slowly let him back into y life. I know that I shouldn't have played with fire, because I sure as hell got burned, along with Margaret.

* * *

_

Alex left his father's office feeling as though the man's eyes were still on him. Adam had managed to get him to accept responsibility for Josh again. Feeling bad that the kid had been roughed up going home from school, Alex had accepted. He knew what it was like to be teased about his father being the chief of police. People had beaten him up because of Adam catching their friends or family committing a crime. He could only guess that as what happened to his brother. Leaving the station, he decided on going home for a few minutes. Having gotten his clothes the other day, he had no real reason to do it, but he had already made up his mind.

Seeing as he had just taken his last midterm, Alex realized that Thanksgiving break had begun. Knowing that he still meant something to his mother, he walked up the path, hearing Josh laughing about something upstairs, through the open window. He opened the door, expecting to see his mother's sewing room door open, but instead, he started smelling food.

"Got to admit, Mom knows her way around a kitchen." He headed through the house and into the kitchen, seeing Lillian looking over a roast. Hearing footsteps, she looked up.

"Alex, you're home?"

"Yeah. Dad called about meeting me. He said that we needed to talk. Did Josh get beaten up coming home?"

"Yes. Two boys made fun of him, and he tried to act like his father. He said something about their parents getting cited for domestic violence, and they snapped. I've always told Adam to leave his business at work, not to bring it home and discuss it with Joshua."

"Figures, Josh would try to be like him, I mean. Cookin' a big dinner?"

"Not so much. Just a roast, potatoes, and other vegetables. Your father requested it. He's got to go out of town late tonight to deal with a riot that is going on. Why'd you ask about your brother?"

"Dad wanted me to walk him to and from school from now on. I should have said no, but I guess I felt like I know how to deal with those punks. I was teased for awhile too about his position."

Immediately, Lillian realized just how little Alex referred to Adam as his father. She caught herself doing it as well. Making sure the roast was done, she pulled it out of the pot she was cooking it in. Covering it, she sat it on the table, along with the steamed vegetables. Going out into the living room, she sat down motioning for him to do the same. "It's good to just talk."

"Yeah, it is. I never really thought about it like this before. I always just thought Dad had coached you and Josh to pretend I didn't exist." He said this in a joking voice, knowing that there would be a twinge of guilt where his mother was concerned. He squeezed her hand reassuringly, and didn't miss the footsteps coming down the stairs. "So, how long will he be gone?"

"Not sure. He said something about being gone through the holiday. Short of help up at Overlook Penitentiary."

"Well, whether he's here or not, I'll come by for the holiday." Alex was about to say something else, when Joshua came in, standing right in front of him. "What?"

"Dad says you have to walk me to school and back here every day."

"I don't have to. I chose to. Anything else?"

"Why would you come here anyway?"

"Because I can." He turned back to Lillian, completely ignoring Josh. "I hope this mess doesn't stress you out. Let me know if it starts becoming more of a problem."

"I will." She looked right at him, and Alex saw something that worried him. Lillian had never been one to really display just what she was thinking, but Alex could see everything. The stress from the past few days was really showing. From the corner of his eye, he saw Josh head back upstairs.

"What's been going on? How has he been?" His voice sounded urgent right now. Lillian's eyebrows rose at his questions.

"He's been manageable. He's just realized that I am not shutting you out."

"Look, I don't want to cause stress on your relationship-"

"You're not. It is not your fault. Adam has made some choices, and now he has to deal with them, just as I am dealing with the ones I made. He chose to favor Joshua, and now he and your brother have to deal with it."

"Josh can't stand not having all your attention."

"I've noticed." Alex looked up, seeing the front door open. Adam came in, saw Alex, and headed upstairs to shower before dinner. "Well, I'm pretty sure I'll ruin his appetite if I stay here. I'll see you tomorrow, Mom. Take care, ok?"

"I will. Don't worry."

"Alright. Night, Mom." Hearing Adam say something from upstairs, he headed out the door. Main Street would be packed with people getting off work, so he headed for the cemetery. It was an easy way to get across town without any hassle or traffic. Entering through the cemetery's back gate, Alex made his way through the different small crypts and family plots, taking solace in the simple silence of the cemetery. Hearing a noise to his left, Alex turned. What he saw was a man in a mining suit. He stared at Alex, and then started speaking.

"You're jeopardizing everything, Shepherd!" Taking a long piece of metal that had come from one of the family plot fences; he swung at Alex, hitting him in the ribs. Alex' senses kicked in, and he dodged the next hit.

"What the hell, Man!"

"You will fulfill your duty!" He kept swinging, but Alex managed to duck behind a collapsing wall, and get away. He could hear the muffled cursing coming from the man behind him. Ducking down to get under a wall, Alex went through, climbing back up and out onto solid ground. He was near the founders' garden now. Stepping out into the clearing, he saw the Holloway and Fitch family mausoleums. Heading straight through to the outer garden, Alex exited the cemetery and went back out on Main Street, where he saw Elle coming out of a coffee shop.

"Hey, why'd you come…? You okay?" Elle saw him lean against the wall that separated him from a parking lot, clutching his ribs. "You look like crap."

"I'll be fine. Something really weird happened while I was coming through there. To answer your first question, I did it to avoid the traffic. The less questions about my anti-father, the better."

"I understand that. So what happened in there?"

They started walking back to her place, Alex filling her in on the weirdo in the area just before the Founders' Garden. Upon finishing, Alex saw Elle staring at him. "Seriously? Some creep in a mining outfit was just standing there?"

"Yeah. Looked like he was watching me too. He just started in on me, saying that I was jeopardizing everything and the ne started swinging. I asked him what the hell he was doing, and he just said that I would fulfill my duty." I don't get it."

"Yeah…" Elle thought on it for a few minutes. This was nothing like she had ever heard of happening. They had gone through the cemetery several times, and nothing like this had happened. "Wow. Maybe Mom was right about us going through there. So, how'd the meeting with your old man go?"

"Great…" His voice was dripping with sarcasm. Elle rolled her eyes. "Well, he told me that I had to walk my brother to and from school every day. This was after he tried to blame Josh getting beaten up on me."

"Lovely. You didn't have a choice, did you?"

"No, not really. It was either do it, or I'd be hated even more. I don't want my mother to think I'm just some cruel bastard who doesn't care."

"Unfortunately, you care. That means that you said you would, right?"

"Yeah…" He stopped on the porch, sitting down on the front step. "What other choice did I have?"

"True."

"I went home today too. Mom said something about him having to go to Overlook Penitentiary. They've got some sort of riot going on."

"Wow. Wonder if Mom knows anything about it."

"Anything about what?" The subject of Elle's statement had just pulled up in the drive. Elle mouthed something about perfect timing, and Alex laughed.

"Alex said that his dad was going up to Overlook penitentiary to deal with a riot."

"I heard. Adam will have a good bit to deal with over the next few days. Surprisingly enough, they should have closed that dump down a while ago."

"Why, rusted out?"

"Good guess, Elle. It is looking rather shabby as far as prisons are concerned. The walls were starting to show signs of splintering concrete, some of the cells are falling apart, and well the general hygiene is terrible."

"It's a prison; it's supposed to be a hole to shove people down, right?" Elle said this while Alex held back laughter. "I mean, if people knew just how bad it was to live there after getting caught, wouldn't they be less likely to commit crimes?"

"Now there's a thought… I wish the system worked that way. It would make mine and your father's job easier, Alex."

Hearing something move in the bushes behind him, Alex turned quickly with a wild look in his face. Elle watched him with a concerned look on her face.

"You still thinking about that nutbag from the cemetery?"

"Yeah. Can't shake that guy's words out of my head."

"What happened?" The elder Holloway sounded rather confused. Alex looked back, seeing nothing in the brush behind him.

"I was headed back here through the cemetery and some creep just came out of nowhere saying that I was jeopardizing something. He said I had to fulfill my duty. Next thing I know, he's got a piece of metal and starts beating me with it. I know we have some real nuts around here, but I didn't know it was that weird."

"Neither did I. Does your father know about this?"

"No. I saw him right after my exams and then went home. On my way here was when that guy showed up. What'd he mean? What duty was he talking about?"

* * *

_If I had known then that duty was going to get me possibly killed, I could have confronted my father. I would have done something… All this could have been prevented, but I was seventeen, soon to be eighteen. What did I know…?

* * *

_

"No idea…" He could see that she wasn't being completely honest with him. Straightening up the paperwork she had been glancing over in the car, Margaret headed into the house, leaving Elle to look after her. "Dinner in an hour." She said this as the door swung shut behind her. Elle rolled her eyes.

"Something about that seemed wrong. You think so?"

"Yeah. I want to know who that creep was and what he was talking about. I don't like this, Elle."

"I know. Something's up." Both looked out at the empty streets, realizing it was abnormally quiet. Elle shrugged when she saw Alex' questioning look. "Man, I don't remember this town being so quiet... I always heard something making a good bit of noise. Today, there's nothing."

"Yeah… Usually Curtis is always making some sort of racket around here. It's like everyone is trying to stay inside. What's going on here…"

Heading into the house, Alex heard Nora laughing about something. That immediately brightened his mood. She was a lot better than Josh. There was no favoritism to taint her innocence like at home. He and Elle looked into the living room, seeing her laughing at old cartoon humor. Both settled for joining her on the couch. This was where they stayed for the remaining afternoon, acting like little kids watching comically funny shows on television until dinner was done. All three left the room still laughing but there was a slight change of mood when they saw that Judge Holloway was leaving.

"Mom, what's going on?"

"Nothing. Town meeting. I'll be back in about an hour." She headed out the door, and three pairs of eyes watched in slight concern. Alex looked back at Elle.

"You don't think this has to do with that guy, do you?"

"I don't know. No point in asking, either. You know they clam up faster than anything when we bring this kind of thing up."

"Yeah… I guess we'll find out when they're ready to tell us."

"Yeah, if ever."

All three finished dinner in silence, not knowing what to say to each other. Te meeting was on all their minds, even Nora's.

* * *

In the silence, the founders' heirs were entering Town Hall. All the children were still at home, away from the burdens of their parents. Sam Bartlett was the first to enter the center chamber, having been in his office. The next was Martin, having been in his doctor's office on Main Street. Lillian and Adam entered next, and finally Margaret. They looked at each other without really making eye contact. Sam had called this meeting, and it was clear why. He crossed his arms, steeling himself.

"You all know it is becoming painfully close. I don't like it any more than you all. The question I must ask is are you ready?" Looking around the room he saw that no one but Adam was ready to answer that question. The elder Shepherd nodded sharply, receiving a cold look from his wife. Sam looked to the others. "I am really not ready to be honest. I feel as though I am really getting to know my son, and well…" Martin interjected, picking up where Sam left off.

"I agree. I am just now really getting to know my Scarlet. I'm not ready for this… How can you say with certainty that you are ready?" He directed this question toward Adam, but Lillian answered, beating Margaret to it.

"He hasn't bothered to get to know Alex at all." Everyone looked at her, seeing as she had usually been silent during the meetings. "He would rather shift his attentions to Joshua and completely forget he has an older son."

They could see Adam visibly clench his jaw together. He said nothing and continued to look at the portrait of Issac Shepherd on the wall. Martin frowned. "In a way, I can understand why, but how could you completely shut him out like that?"

"We don't need to get into this debate here. We have more pressing matters." Margaret said this while joining Lillian, shooting a death glare at Adam.

"What pressing matters?" Sam said this while straightening up. He too had been looking at his ancestor. "What is more pressing than our children?"

"The Order is here."


End file.
